What If I Say No? - Part 2: Welcome to New York

You see, after making an impulsive decision to just up and leave, I figured the ride was over and I would get pulled into the opposite scenario, because this is the point where the What IF would normally end. This time, however, it continued to play on.

Somehow I ended up driving all night until I hit tall buildings and skyscrapers- New York City. I didn’t know what was calling me out there at the time. I was simply drawn there like a moth to a flame. Heh. Sounds more like how I got involved with Caspen. A little moth who wanted to be a butterfly, being drawn to the fire, well aware of the risk of getting burned. A new song began to swirl through my mind. I blindly reached for my phone which was in the center counsel. I tried to simultaneously open the voice recorder and pay attention to traffic. I never was a good multitasker. I almost didn’t see the bubblegum blue Fiat slam on their breaks. I clenched my jaw as I slammed on my own, just nearly missing their fender.

After a few deep breaths, I began to record, “We dance around the fire. Forget about her, forget about her. Love me until you’re tired and you forget about her, forget about her. ‘Cause when you dance around the fire, you’re goanna get burned.”

The rest would have to come later. Unless I wanted to get into an accident. Considering I just up’d and left my life with a few hundred in the bank, a wad of cash, no job, and no place to stay… I didn’t really want to risk it.

The realization stuck me like lightning. Sudden and electrifying. I didn’t have a place to sleep. Where do you find a cheap place to stay in the city? This is idiotic.

I never turned around, though. I’m not sure how I would have, considering I was sandwiched between a deep blue Chevy truck, and a Silver VW Jetta. So I pushed through the stop and go traffic until I made my way to some random bagel and coffee shop.

I didn’t even know what time it was. I had been avoiding looking at my phone in fear it would somehow convince me to go back.

I sat down at an empty table. It wasn’t a sit down and order type of place, but I just felt like I had to gather my bearings. I rested at a small, two-seater table against a cork bulletin board. There was a roommate ad amongst the various flyers that caught my eye. It was for a house on Midland Beach next to Miller Field Park, five minutes from Verrazano Bridge and close to transportation… I had no idea where that was. There were three bedrooms and three baths. The bedroom available was already furnished with a queen-sized bed, dresser, desk, the whole works. It even had its own bathroom complete with a shower-bath. It sounded too good for me to afford. And of course there was no monthly rent amount on the flyer anywhere.

“Figures,” I huffed. I still had no idea what time it was. What time was it when I left?

Winter took over the roads, even iced over some of the highway so it took me well over five hours to get here. Six hours, maybe? Seven? It was still dark outside, the teensiest bit of light beginning to seep through the sky.

A girl sat down in front of me, interrupting my thoughts and pulling me out of my haze. “Can I get you anything?” She asked. It was then I noticed the green apron tied around her neck. Her silk smooth, brunette hair was pulled back into a pony, letting her sharp cheekbones steal the show. Her lime green eyes stared at me unchanging. Her purple tinted lips curved upwards in a warm, welcoming smile.

“Oh,” I started. “Uh… I’m okay right now…”

She nodded. With the tip of her chin she pointed towards the bulletin board. “You interested?”

“Huh?” Maybe I wasn’t completely out of my daze just yet.

“I saw you eyeing my ad. Are you interested?”

It took me a minute to get it through my skull that she was asking if I wanted the room. “Oh. Yes! How much is it?”

She shrugged; her arms folded across her chest. “It’s my parents’ house, but they’re like never here. They own another house in Florida. They basically live there but don’t want to admit it because they like to pretend they’re not old yet.” She smirked.

Before I could say anything she started up again. “It’s pretty much all paid for by them. All I do is pay utilities. They even handle the money for the guys who keep up our yardwork…” She paused briefly, tucking a stray hair behind her ear. “Truthfully, I could handle it on my own. I just don’t like being alone.”

“Who does?”

Her grin widened. “So what about you? Do you have a job?”

“Not anymore,” I confess. “I just sort of moved here from Rochester.” Moved. Is that what I’m doing? I could hear my mother’s voice as clear as my own saying, No, Evie. You ran away.

She nodded. “Where are you staying?”

“Nowhere.” The more I spoke to the girl, the stupider I felt for making such a rash decision. “I wasn’t really planning this; it was a last minute decision,” I try to explain.

“What happened?”

“I got asked out…” Yep, I’m officially the biggest idiot ever.

She laughed, tossing her head back. “You’ll have to tell me that story sometime.”

“I will,” I assure her.

A customer walks in and waits at the counter. She slapped her hand on the table as she stood up. “I’ll be right back.”

I finally pull my phone out of my pocket. 8:20 AM. No missed calls. No texts. Does anyone miss me yet?

I had emailed my boss last night to let her know I wouldn’t be coming back. I guess she was too pissed to reply. And I thought for sure I would have heard from Shelby by then, who was already an hour into work. Maybe she was in a rush and didn’t see my note?

A melancholy tune was playing over the stereo, being carried through the shop. I caught just this one line, “If this is giving up, then I’m giving up on love.” The words crawled over my skin a while, before sinking through like osmosis and poisoning my heart. How can you give up on love, I wondered. When you never believed in it in the first place?

The girl came back to the table with a raisin muffin and a coffee in a to-go cup. “Here. Eat something.” She set them down in front of me. This time she didn’t sit. She put her hand out instead. “Lila,” she stated.

“Evie.” I shook her hand.

“Well, Evie, I like you. You can move in today. The address is on the napkin.”

She walked back to the counter, her hips swaying. “See you at home,” she called.

Home.

I look down at the napkin. Above the home’s address she wrote in big curly letters: Welcome To New York.

 

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I can't."

He wouldn't even look at me. He stared deeply into his Mocha. The brim of his eyes were turning red.

Not knowing what else to do, I stirred my Dragon Oolong tea, watching the liquid form a blood red hurricane.

Through gritted teeth he asked, "It's because of him, isn't it?"

"Yes."

His fist was clenched so tight, the bones of his knuckles could be seen through his skin.

I wanted to comfort him. To make everything OK. My hand was already reaching for his when I stopped, letting it hang awkwardly between the two of us until I let it fall dumbly below the counter. Things would be different between us now; I knew. Even though we hadn't been friends longer than a month, I thought us to be really close. However close we used to be, no longer mattered. I couldn't comfort him because I couldn't give him even the slightest hope that I might change my mind.

"Why?" He whimpered. "He's married, Evie. With like a bazillion kids! And he's a complete tool... So why him?" He was finally looking at me; but I wished he wouldn't. His anguish and hurt left cracks in his marble eyes. His glare burned through me like a laser; making me feel miniscule.

"I don't know." I let out the start of a sob. Sneaky sucker, I didn't even see it coming. Then it shook in my chest, getting caught in the back of my throat.

His icy expression melted. He looked like he wanted to comfort me, but thought twice about it. "It's none of my business, I guess... I'm sorry." He mumbled into his mug.

"Me too."

*

I called him that night.

He didn't answer. He never answered.

After talking with Mathew I knew I wanted some sort of future. But I can't have it with him. At least not just yet.

It rings to voicemail. "Hi, you've reached the voice mailbox of Caspen. Please leave your message after the tone. Beep."

I hesitated, filling the message with silence. What if his wife heard it? Finally I start to say what needs to be said. "Caspen..." I begin to lose my nerve to see it through. "I can't... I can't do this... right now." Then I hang up. I stared at my iPhone screen which tried to tempt me to call him and take back everything I said. I flung the device onto my bed. I won't let it... Let him have this power over me....

So I pack.

I'm not sure what I'm doing or where I even plan to go. I throw random pastel colored pants, plaid shirts, sundresses, and anything easily accessible in my closet, into my blue hard case suitcase. For a second, rationality pops in and I think, "I can't do this... None of these clothes even go together." Then I hush the voice in my head and push myself to see this through.

I race to the bathroom, pulling deodorant, toothpaste, hairspray, and anything else my quaking hands can grab.

Before I could even remember to breathe, I had all my essentials packed up and ready to go wherever it was I was going. I had some cash hidden away in an old shoebox. I guess on some level I always knew it would come down to this. I leave rent and cable money on the table; as well as a note for my roommate. Man is she going to be bummed to wake up and realize I've run away. I was surprised I didn't wake her up in all of the hoopla.

Shelby,

I've leaving. I just had to go... You know? I've left money for rent and cable. Sorry to do this so short notice... I'll call you when I get there.

Evie.

I give my room a once over, picking up my phone. "You don't have to go through with this, just call him," it taunts.

"Yes, I do, you temptress," I grumble, shoving it into my back pant pocket. I pick Tessa, my acoustic guitar, from her corner of the room.  This was it.

I turned off the lights, grabbed my suitcase, and packed my things into my Mercury Milan.

This was goodbye.

What if you could see the outcome of every decision before you made it? All my life I had been able to foresee my future before I even knew a decision would affect my life so drastically. Who knew that choosing to ride my bike to school instead of walking with Rosie, my best friend who I was in a fight with, would cause me to break my leg and end up in the hospital. Whereas if I walked with Rosie we would have been far enough behind to see the aftermath of the accident and saw the black sedan wrapped around a light pole. And the worse that would have happened was we would have been 10 minutes late for school and made up from our fight.

All my life I have been avoiding the bumpy road. I barely dated anyone because I knew how it would end before it began. Then I met Caspen. He wasn't the kind of guy mother's dreamed their daughters end up with, yet there I was. He was ten years older than me, married, and had six kids. He was safe. There was no future for us. So, at first it seemed like a good idea. His wife wouldn't ever find out, if she did she wouldn't leave him, so no one would get hurt. Except for me.

When this ability took effect, I never saw that far into the future. Maybe a year or a few at most.

This time was different.

I sat next to Matthew, his frosty blue eyes gazing at me so intensely my heart stuttered. His question hung in the air between us, just floating there, waiting for my response.

This didn't seem like a life altering moment, but as the What If took effect, I knew this one was going to be rough. You see, I didn't just see the possibilities. I lived and breathed each one of them.

The process started and I felt the world tilt on its axis.

Here we go...

Feel free to comment & include any critiques. This was an idea that came to me while listening to "Love Love Love" by Of Monsters And Men, and I just had to get it out of my system! I hope you enjoy :)